Laughter: The Best Medicine

VENTURE CAPITALISTS INVEST IN SOMALI PIRATES

VENTURE capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.

Personnel issues are now dealt with via mentoring and third-party arbitration

The sharp-eyed investors say Indian Ocean piracy has replaced Bangladeshi t-shirt factories as the developing world's strongest source of high-growth revenue streams.

Julian Cook, head of strategy at Porter, Pinkney and Turner (PPT), said: "The margins are very impressive. These guys can board a Chinese freighter or Saudi oil tanker and turn it around in less than a week. Usually without killing anyone.

"The staff are well-trained and they operate a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat.

"The tax position is also very favourable given that Somalia isn't really what you would describe as a 'country' with 'laws' and a 'government'."

PPT has paid £25.7 million for a 32% stake in Captain Ahmed's Crazee Bastards with the initial tranche used for capital purchases including new speed boats, 200 yards of very strong rope and a gun the size of a cow.

The investment will also be used to establish an out-sourced personnel department to ensure the quick replacement of any colleagues shot by the Royal Navy during working hours.

Captain Ahmed will retain day-to-day management control and has also negotiated a clause allowing him to go 'ape-shit crazee' and shoot everyone on board up to three times a year.